All Humor Is Based On Hostility -

I Got Brown Sandwiches And Green Sandwiches. Its Either Very New Cheese Or Very Old Meat. - Oscar Madison, From The Odd Couple

You Must Realize That Honorary Degrees Are Given Generally To People Whose Sat Scores Were Too Low To Get Them Into Schools The Regular Way. As A Matter Of Fact, It Was My Sat Scores That Led Me Into My Present Vocation In Life, Comedy.

Sudden Money Is Going From Zero To Two Hundred Dollars A Week. The Rest Doesn't Count.

I Never Write A Play With An Eye To Film.

How Long Do You Want To Wait Until You Start Enjoying Life? When You're Sixty-five You Get Social Security.