All I Can Say About Life Is,

I Think You Should Be A Child For As Long As You Can. I Have Been Successful For 74 Years Being Able To Do That. Don't Rush Into Adulthood, It Isn't All That Much Fun.

I've Been Told To Speed Up My Delivery When I Perform. But If I Lose The Stammer, I'm Just Another Slightly Amusing Accountant.

I'm One Of Those Passengers Who Arrives At The Airport Five Or Six Hours Early So I Can Throw Back A Few Drinks And Muster Up The Courage To Board The Plane. Apparently I'm Not Alone Because I've Never Been In An Empty Airport Bar. I Don't Care What Time You Get There. Even At 8:00 A.m. You Have To Fight Your Way To The Bar. At That Hour, Everyone Drinks Bloody Marys So No One Can Tell It's Booze- At Least Until They Fall Off Their Chair.

Marriage And Fatherhood Heighten The Disillusion That We All Think We Are Born Handy. We Confidently Believe That We Can Fix Things Around The House, As If It's Part Of The Collective Brain That Was Further Enhanced By Eighth-grade Shop Class.

I Worked In Accounting For Two And A Half Years, Realized That Wasn't What I Wanted To Do With The Rest Of My Life, And Decided I Was Just Going To Give Comedy A Try.