Between Ron Paul And Rick Perry, I

New Rule: If You Can Force A Woman To Look At A Sonogram—to See What Will Happen If She Has An Abortion—you Also Have To Let Her See A Crying Baby, A Bratty Five-year-old, And A Surly Teenager To See What Will Happen If She Doesn’t. And You Have To Tell Her It Costs $204,000 To Raise It Until It Turns Eighteen, In 2028, Where It Will Be A Slave To The Chinese, In A Radioactive World With No Animals, Fish, Or Plants.

All I'm Saying, As A Fan, Is I'm Tired Of The Same Song For 30 Years. Can't We Change The Message A Little? You've Arrived. You Have A Black President. Every White Guy In A Commercial Doesn't Have To Be The Idiot And Every Black Guy In A Rap Song Doesn't Have To Be God's Gift To The World.

Space Tourism Is God's Way Of Telling You You Aren't Spending Enough On Lap Dances, Baccarat And Cocaine.

Little Do Women Know What Big Ideas I Have In My Pants.

The Hollywood Executives Are, Like, ‘we’re Not Racist, We Just Have To Pretend To Be Racists Because We’re Capitalists. We Want To Sell Our Movies In China (and) They Don’t Like Kevin Hart.’