Clowns Work As Well As Aspirin, But

[mrs. Teasdale]: He's Had A Change Of Heart. [groucho]: A Lot Of Good That'll Do Him. He's Still Got The Same Face.

He [groucho's Father] Had Absolutely No Training, And If You Had Ever Seen One Of His Suits, You'd Realize What An Accurate Statement That Is. You See, Pop Never Used A Tape Measure. He Didn't Believe In It. He Said He Could Just Look At A Man And Tell His Size, With The Result That Frequently He'd Make A Pair Of Pants With One Trouser Leg Seven Or Eight Inches Longer Than The Other.

My Experience Is That People Are Most Likely To Listen To Reason When In Bed.

Why Don't You Bore A Hole In Yourself And Let The Sap Run Out?

A Cigar Makers Organization Once Said That I Was The Most Famous Cigar Smoker In The World. I Dont Know If Thats True, But Once While Visiting Havana, I Went To A Cigar Factory. There Were Four Hundred People There Rolling Cigars, And When They Saw Me, They All Stood Up And Applauded.