College Was A Wonderful Time - Except,

Fathers Are The Geniuses Of The House Because Only A Person As Intelligent As We Could Fake Such Stupidity.

Any Man Today Who Returns From Work, Sinks Into A Chair, And Calls For His Pipe Is A Man With An Appetite For Danger.

I’m Supposed To Figure Out If The Glass Is Half Full Or Half Empty,” I Told Her. Without A Moment’s Hesitation, In A Split Second, My Grandmother Shrugged And Said: “it Depends On If You’re Drinking Or Pouring.

I Am Proud To Be An American. Because An American Can Eat Anything On The Face Of This Earth As Long As He Has Two Pieces Of Bread.

My Mother Comes In My Room And Says, "just Look At This Mess! This Is A Pig Sty!" Now, I've Already Been In The Room Five Hours, And She Wants Me To Look At It.