Elected Office Holds More Perks Than Elvis'

Growing Up, My Family Wasn't Very Tight. We Were More Like A Tour Group With Secrets.

Teresa Lewis, The Only Woman On Death Row In Virginia, Says She Doesn't Deserve The Death Penalty Because She Only Hired The Killers Of Her Husband And Stepson, She Didn't Actually Pull The Trigger Herself. You Know, She Has A Point. I Think We Should Let Her Be Able To Hire The Person Who Executes Her, And Not Do Yourself In! How's That, Doll? Yeah! Get It Over With Quick, Maybe Charlize Theron Will Sign Up To Play You.

Nothing Ruins The Mood During Foreplay More Than The Recurring Image Of Your Sixty-five-year-old Homeroom Teacher Trying To Stretch A Condom Over A Cucumber.

The Average American's Day Planner Has Fewer Holes In It Than Ray Charles's Dart Board.

I'm Glad I Don't Have A Lot Of Money In The Market. And Quite Frankly, You'd Be Better Off Giving Your Money To A Colorblind Roulette Addict Than Put It In The Stock Market.