First There's The Promise Ring, Then The

More Details Coming Out About Michael Jackson. It Seems His 13-year-old Accuser Testified Before A Grand Jury That Michael Had Seven Locks On His Bedroom Door. See, What Happened Was Whenever Michael Would Install One Lock, The Kid Would Grow An Inch Taller, And He'd Have To Put In Another One, And Then Another One, And Then Another One.

John Kerry Says That He Wants To Debate President Bush Once A Month Until The Election. This Could Be A Risky Move For Senator Kerry. If Bush Doesn't Show Up For The Debates, John Kerry May End Up Debating An Empty Chair. And That Could Be Pretty Much A Toss Up As To Which One Has The Better Personality.

Supporters Of Osama Bin Laden Want To Rename The Arabian Sea After Bin Laden's Death. They Want To Call It "martyr's Sea." Please, Hiding In Your Bedroom For Six Years With The Blinds Closed? How About "chicken Of The Sea?

This Week The White House Proposed Fingerprinting And Photographing Foreign Visitors So They Can Do Background Checks. Officials In Saudi Arabia Said This Will Only Increase Anti-american Feelings In The Mideast. Is That Possible? Gee, You Hate To Have People Dislike Us For No Reason. Things Were Going So Well.

President Bush Says He Has Just One Question For The American Voters, 'is The Rich Person You're Working For Better Off Now Than They Were Four Years Ago?'