Girls Throw Their Panties On The Stage,

I've Been At Stand-up 26 Years Now: After A While, You Get As Jaded As The Proverbial Gynecologist Who No Longer Enjoys Drugging And Violating His Patients.

People Come Up To Me And Say, 'emo, Do People Really Come Up To You?'

I Go To Pick Up A Girl In A Bar. I Say Will You Go Home With Me? She Says I Don't Know, Do You Have Cable? I Say No, But The Rope Should Work Just Fine.

When Deciding Between Two Competing Theories, Always Go With The One That Doesn't Involve A Magic Spell.

I'm Not As Good A Swimmer As I Used To Be - Thanks To Evolution.