He's So Fat, He Can Be His

There's A Lot Of Hypocrisy In Audiences. I'd Never Dream Of Telling Even On A Nightclub Stage, Let Alone My Show, Some Of The Jokes That Are Told In A Lot Of The Living Rooms From Which We Get Those Letters!

I Wouldn't Have The Slightest Interest In Running For Public Office. I'd Rather Make Jokes About Politicians Than Become One Of Them.

They Say Atomic Rad-i-ation Can Hurt Your Reproductive Organs. My Answer Is, So Can A Hockey Stick. But We Don't Stop Building Them.

My Success Just Evolved From Working Hard At The Business At Hand Each Day.

Despite The Fact That Computer Speeds Are Measured In Nanoseconds And Picoseconds - One Billionth And One Trillionth Of A Second, Respectively - The Smallest Interval Of Time Known To Man Is That Which Occurs In Manhattan Between The Traffic Signal Turning Green And The Taxi Driver Behind You Blowing His Horn.