I Always Wanted To Be A Snake.

Ex-girlfriends Will Find Themselves In My New Routine. Sometimes They Like That, And Sometimes They Definitely Do Not. But Comedians Should Come With A Giant Warning Or Disclaimer: If You Date Me, It Will Be In My Act.

I'm Not Racist, I've Got A Black President.

I Can Smell Bullshit From A Mile Away But It's So Much Harder To Detect When It's Around You All Day.

There Was A Girl I Loved In High School - But Never Spoke To. Cut To My Five-year Reunion: I'm An Entirely Different Person.

My Nickname For My Mom Was 'the Compass.'