I Can't Get Married. I Can't Fake

I Have Six Locks On My Door All In A Row. When I Go Out, I Lock Every Other One. I Figure No Matter How Long Somebody Stands There Picking The Locks, They Are Always Locking Three.

Calgary Wins For My Coldest New Year's Eve Gig. That's When I Learned Fahrenheit And Celsius Cross At 40 Below. I Could See Callers' Breath Coming Out Of My Phone.

My Mother Always Said You Could Eat Off Her Floor; You Could Eat Of My Floor Too, There's So Much Food Down There.

Many Animal Rescue Organizations Hit With A Hard-core, Heartbreaking Message. Their Videos And Stories Can Become Difficult For Average People To Watch. By Taking A More Positive, Heartwarming Approach To Animal Rescue, I've Been Able To Engage People And Keep Them Engaged For Years. Instead Of Selling The Agony And Misery - And Sadly, There Is No Shortage Of That - I Start With The Happy Endings. I Work Backwards So The First Message They Get Is Joy And Success Due To Their Involvement. Opening The Mind With Humor And Joy Gets The Rescue Message In That Much Deeper.

I've Never Been Able To Write For Stand-up.