I Changed The Face Of Comedy. I

I'm One Of Those People That Picks Up The Remote Control And Just Keep Hitting Constantly, Even If I Like The Show I'm Watching.

I Can't Even Find Someone For A Platonic Relationship, Much Less The Kind Where Someone Wants To See Me Naked.

I Don't Know If I Change My Act From Century To Century. Sometimes I'm Onstage Doing Imitations And References To People Who Have Been Dead For 50 Years.

With Me, Traveling For Work Is Arriving At The Airport, Checking Into The Hotel, Leaving The Hotel The Next Morning At 4 Or 5 To Do Something Like 'the Jimmy And Jackie Captain Crazy Morning Zoo,' Doing A Bunch Of Those In A Row, Then Going Back To The Hotel, And Then Finally Going To The Club.

I Understand Being Less Sexy Than Osama Bin Laden, But Not Less Sexy Than Carrot Top. That, I Find Offensive.