I Didn't Invent The Rainy Day. I

Hillary Clinton Made A Campaign Stop In Las Vegas Yesterday. She Said She Wants Citizenship For Undocumented Immigrants. But After Seeing Americans Celebrate Cinco De Mayo Yesterday, Immigrants Said, 'you Know What, We're Good. We're Gonna Head Back Now. We Had Enough.'

Thank You, People Who Say 'wow, You're Really Photogenic,' For Not Saying What You Really Mean: 'wow, You're Really Ugly In Person.'

There Couldn't Have Been A Better Hollywood Ending For Us. It's Beyond Baseball. It's Rooting For Your Family.

President Obama Had Beer With Four Unemployed Construction Workers. And Obama Asked The Guys What Was It Like To Lose Their Jobs, And They Were Like, 'oh, You'll See.'

A 99-year-old Man Is Filing For Divorce From His 96-year-old Wife, Making Them The World's Oldest Divorced Couple. It's Got To Be Weird When A Divorce Lawyer Is Fighting For Your Kids To Get Custody Of You.