I Don't Even Read The Papers. I

Thank You... Fantasy Football Draft, For Letting Me Know That Even In My Fantasies, I Am Bad At Sports.

Donald Trump Said He Still Wants To Look More Closely At Obama's Birth Certificate To Make Sure That It's Real. Incidentally, President Obama Said The Same Exact Thing About Donald Trump's Hair.

A Miami Judge Issued Florida's First Gay Marriage License Yesterday, Which Makes It The 36th State To Legally Perform Gay Marriages. Of Course, Most Florida Residents Are Too Old To Understand What That Means. They'll Say, 'well, I Think All Marriages Should Be Gay, And Merry.'

Today President Obama Gave A Major Speech Where He Defended His Handling Of The Economy. And There Were Tons Of People In The Audience, You Know, Since Nobody Had To Be At Work.

With More And More States Legalizing Marijuana, Companies Are Lining Up To Create The First Marijuana Breathalyzer. Officials Say The Toughest Part Is Getting Stoners To Stop Trying To Inhale Off The Breathalyzer.