I Don't Know Anything About Computers.

As I Said In My Last Book, Birds Are Mean. They're The Only Pet That, When They Escape, The Owners Are Relieved. You Can Tell A Species Is Evil By Doing This Simple Math. If My Blond Lab Molly Was The Size Of T-rex, That Would Just Mean More Kibble, More Work For The Gardener In The Backyard, And A Harder Time Moving Her To My Wife's Side Of The Bed At Night. If Birds Were The Size Of A T-rex, The Streets Would Be Littered With Human Remains.

Wearing Crocs Is Like Getting Blown By A Dude. It Feels Great Until You Look Down And Realize You're Gay.

The Main Thing That I Learned From My Horrible Job Experiences Was How Horrible They Were.

You're 28, Why Are You Going To Goth Clubs? Do What I Do, Sit At Home & Wait To Die. You Don't Have To Kill Yourself, You're Just Waiting.

Life Is Just The Time Between Crapping Yourself.