I Don't Need Adult Supervision.

Why Should Old People Get [social Security]? They Just Sit Around All Day Doing Nothing.

I Read An Article That Said One In Five Americans Thinks Elvis Is Alive. I Want To Find Those Morons And Get Them Registered To Vote For Me.

Yeah, I'm Running For The White House Again. Well, It's Not A Run, Really; It's Sort Of A Brisk Walk.

I'm Often Asked Why I Travel Around The Country Talking Politics. Is It For Humanitarian Reasons, Community Spirit, Or Is It For The Money, The Limousines Or The Girls? The Answers Are: No, No, Yes Yes Yes!

Having A Comic In The White House Will Assure Stability In Foreign Relations. The World Will Continue To Respond To Foreign Initiatives By Saying, 'you Must Be Joking.'