I Dream Of Starting A Three-man Country

You're Not Supposed To Be Accepting Trophies. You're Supposed To Be In The Back Being Mad That People Are Getting Trophies.

You Save 15 More Minutes Of Sleep If You Are A Man And You Don't Have To Shave.

I'm Terrible About People Wanting To Take Pictures With Me. I'm A Giant Baby About It. They Treat You Like A Cartoon. There's Nothing You Can Do Except Make Light Of It.

Element Of Surprise Is Really Fun For Me In Comedy. I Have To Be Surprised, And Everything's Been Done.

Four Years Ago On This Very Day I Tried To Take My Own Life. And I Said, "zach, Do It In Front Of Your Co-workers And End The Misery." I Don't Know How Many Of You Ever Tried To Jump Off Of A Pizza Hut, But You'll Just Get A Sprained Ankle Out Of The Deal. Then You'll Have To Go Back Inside, And Serve Crazy Bread.