I Feel Perhaps My Heart Is Still

...boredom Was As Exhausting As Backbreaking Labor.

Although My Book Is Banned I Am Still Allowed To Go To China And Travel. There Is No Longer The Kind Of Control That Mao Used To Have-there Have Been Deep Fundamental Changes In Society.

As A Child, My Idea Of The West Was That It Was A Miasma Of Poverty And Misery, Like That Of The Homeless 'little Match Girl'in The Hans Christian Andersen Story. When I Was In The Boarding Nursery And Did Not Want To Finish My Food, The Teacher Would Say:'think Of All The Starving Children In The Capitalist World!

The Chinese Seemed To Be Mourning Mao In A Heartfelt Fashion. But I Wondered How Many Of Their Tears Were Genuine. People Had Practiced Acting To Such A Degree That They Confused It With Their True Feelings.

In Spring 1989...i Saw The Buildup Of Demonstrations From Chengdu To Tiananmen Square. It Struck Me That Fear Had Been Forgotten To Such An Extent That Few Of The Millions Of Demonstrators Perceived Danger. Most Seemed To Be Taken By Surprise When The Army Opened Fire.