"i Got Up Early Because I Wanted

I've Had Plenty Of Friends Tell Me That Their First Time Doing Stand-up, They Do Well, And Then They Tank For A While After That. Kind Of Like The First Time You Do A Drug, You're Like, "huh! This Is Pretty Darn Good," And Then You Spend All Your Money Trying To Get The Same High.

Why Do You Have To Be Out Of Town To Write A Postcard? I Want A To Write A Postcard To My Neighbor: "i Still Live Near You!" The Guy Sees Me Go Into My Apartment, Flips The Card Over, It's Just A Picture Of Me Holding A Rifle.

Sometimes Being Lazy Can Get You In Trouble. You Ever Not Take A Shower All Weekend, Just Lounge Around, Then You're Running Late For Work On Monday? There's Always One Person At Work: "something Smells Like Smoke In Here!" "uh, I Went To A Barbeque On Friday Night. Only Had 48 Hours To Take A Shower. Busy."

Award Shows Are Really Silly. I'm Very Happy For The People That Win The Awards, And I Can Say They're Really Silly, But I Would Love To Get One. So I Also Know Wasting Time On That Is Pointless.

I Always Seem To Be Chosen To Do Very Flattering Things Like The Beard Comb Over Or Go To The Bathroom With The Door Open On Sex And The City Or Be The Guy People Meow At In Super Troopers. It's Great For Self Esteem.