I Gotta Quit Smoking, Doctor's Orders, And

Here's A Tip: Never Get Drunk While Wearing A Hooded Sweatshirt. You Will Eventually Think There's Someone Right Behind You.

My Day Jobs... I Knew I Was Bad At Those, So I Didn't Really Have The Confidence To Think That I Could Do Comedy. But I Knew I Hated The Day Jobs.

I Don't Have A Girlfriend But Sometimes I Like To Pretend I Do. I Just Stand In My Apartment Screaming No, That's Not What I Said!

Are You Shooting Webs Of Stupid At Me?

Once You Get Offstage You're Just Like Everyone Else, And Everyone Else Can Get Into A Fight.