I Just Enjoy Lying On The Couch

The Only Bright Spot In The Entire Evening Was The Presence Of Kevin "tubby" Matchwell, The Eleven-year-old Porker Who Tackled The Role Of Santa With A Beguiling Authenticity. The False Beard Tended To Muffle His Speech, But They Could Hear His Chafing Thighs All The Way To The North Pole.

Writing Gives You The Illusion Of Control, And Then You Realize It's Just An Illusion, That People Are Going To Bring Their Own Stuff Into It.

On One Tour, I Was Collecting Stories About Pet Monkeys. You'd Be Surprised How Many People Have Stories About Monkeys. The Problem Is, Most Monkey Stories End Tragically.

It Didn't Seem Fair To Me That Jon Stewart's Rally Didn't Get The Same Kind Of Attention That Glenn Beck's Did. Why Was Beck's Seen As Checking The Thermometer Of The Country, And Jon Stewart Just Dismissed As A Satirist?

You Know, When You Need Drugs And You Don't Have A Lot Of Money, What You'll Do Is You'll Hang Out With People Who Will Give You Drugs. Right?