I Love Steven Wright.

I Don't Have To Kill Myself, Time Is Going To Do That.

Man Versus Woman Equals Fun. Man Versus Man Equals Gay. Woman Versus Woman Equals Awesome. Man Versus Pillow Equals Crazy. Pillow Versus Pillow Equals Crazy Awesome - That's A Real Pillow Fight Right There. You See Two Pillows Fighting, You Know Something's Going Down. They're Designed For Relaxation. If They're Fighting, What Hope Do We Have? One Time I Saw Two Geese Fighting, And I Was Like, 'this Is A Pillow Fight Ahead Of Time.

I Think Cats Would Have An Even Worse Attitude If They Found Out How Stupid Their Names Were.

I Think My Favorite Sound Is The Sound Of Someone Not Playing The Bongos.

I Was Student Council President In High School, And Even In Law School, I Was Vice-president Of The Student Bar Association.