I Love Steven Wright.

My Policy Is 'no Stone Throwing Regardless Of Housing Situation.'

It Seems That Two Of The Most Basic Forms Of Comedy Are Jokes And Stories. And, Of Course, They Are Not Mutually Exclusive.

I Think That When You Get Dressed In The Morning, Sometimes You're Really Making A Decision About Your Behavior For The Day. Like If You Put On Flipflops, You're Saying: 'hope I Don't Get Chased Today.' 'be Nice To People In Sneakers.'

I Am The Walrus, But Not The One You're Probably Thinking Of. I Am The Other Walrus, The One Who Is Less The Walrus In The Sense Of Legendary Music And More The Walrus In The Sense Of His Tendency To To Lie Around In Places For Too Long.

I Wrapped My Christmas Presents Early This Year, But I Used The Wrong Paper. See, The Paper I Used Said 'happy Birthday' On It. I Didn't Want To Waste It So I Just Wrote 'jesus' On It.