I Love Steven Wright.

You Know What's The Greatest Part Of Anything Ever In The History Of Everything? Exaggeration. No, Wait; It's Correcting Yourself. No, Better Yet, It's Making Lists.

I Never Give Anyone Just One Congratulation. Congratulations Are Always Plural. They Are Similar To Grapes.

Employee Of The Month Is A Good Example Of How Somebody Can Be Both A Winner And A Loser At The Same Time.

I Always Try To Just Be Honest ... As Opposed To Artifice Or Manipulation.

I Started Being A Comedy Fan When I Was, I'm Going To Guess, Like 5 Or 6 Years Old.