I Love Writing Stand-up So Much And

I Know That Colbert Could Quote Thomas Aquinas And All This, But I'm Somebody Who, Because It's A Necessity For Me On A Personal Basis. I Need It Because I'm A Lunatic.

I've Had Plenty Of Friends Tell Me That Their First Time Doing Stand-up, They Do Well, And Then They Tank For A While After That. Kind Of Like The First Time You Do A Drug, You're Like, "huh! This Is Pretty Darn Good," And Then You Spend All Your Money Trying To Get The Same High.

Weight Watchers Says Nothing Tastes Better Than Thin Feels. I Can Think Of A Thousand Things That Taste Better Than Thin Feels.

Anyone Know If The Shuttles To Hell Will Have Wifi? Asking For A Friend.

Pie Can't Compete With Cake. Put Candles In A Cake, It's A Birthday Cake. Put Candles In A Pie, Someone's Drunk In The Kitchen.