I'm A Pessimist By Nature. A Pot

Suicide Is Man's Way Of Telling God, 'you Can't Fire Me - I Quit.'

Next Week John Boehner Will Be Sitting Behind Barack Obama At The State Of The Union Address. I Think Obama Should Purposely Try To Embarrass Him By Telling The Story Of 'old Yeller.' The State Of Our Union Is Strong, But Not So Good For One Special Dog.'

I Don't Know Anyone Less Jesus Like Than Christians.

New Rule: Stop Asking Miss Usa Contestants If They Believe In Evolution. It’s Not Their Field. It’s Like Asking Stephen Hawking If He Believes In Hair Scrunchies. Here’s What They Know About: Spray Tans, Fake Boobs And Baton Twirling. Here’s What They Don’t Know About: Everything Else. If I Cared About The Uninformed Opinions Of Some Ditsy Beauty Queen, I’d Join The Tea Party.

This Country Hates Professors. It Likes Toby Keith - 'i'm Gonna Put A Boot In Their Ass.' If You Don't Do That, Somehow You Can't Be Strong.