I'm So Glad Courtney Love Is Here;

Jesus Is Magic, Because He Turned Water Into Wine. I Think He Made The Statue Of Liberty Disappear In The 80s Or Something.

Comics Who Grew Up Surviving Their Childhood By Being Able To Be The First One To Make The Joke About Their Weight Or Their Hairy Arms - Like Me - Whatever They're Insecure About, Whatever They're Apologizing For, That Becomes Their Strength.

I Don't Want To Be A Facilitator For Other Funny People. It Doesn't Seem Smart For Me To Be In A Comedy And Not Be Funny. My Spirit Can't Take It.

I Remember My First Standup Act When I Was Seventeen; I Did A Really Lame Song About Being Flat Chested. I Was Doing It In New York, And I Remember Kevin Brennan, The Guy I Lost My Virginity To, Was Like "that Song Doesn't Make Sense, You Have Tits."

And Then Before Going Back For My Sophomore Year, I Decided To Change My Major To Arts And Sciences, And My Dad Cut A Deal With Me: He Said If I'd Quit School He'd Pay My Rent For The Next Three Years, As If I Were In School.