I Really Do Take More Vacations Than

People Often Ask Me When There's Going To Be A Mrs. Zach Braff. It's A Confusing Question Sometimes Because Many People Don't Realize That My Mother Is Named Mrs. Zach Braff.

The Easiest Way To Lose Something Is To Want It Too Badly.

I Mean, I Understand That Because They're Disadvantaged That They Deserve Their Own Parking Spots, But Do They Have To Make Them So Wide? I Never Understood How These People Were Allowed To Drive Cars But They Get These Really Neat Chairs With Wheels And They're Still Not Happy, So Instead Of Parking Their Wheelchairs In The Designated Spots, They Upstage Us Normal People And Get The Best Parking Spots With Vehicles That Are Clearly Too Sophisticated For Them To Be Handling. Still, You Should Smile At A Cripple, Because It's The Only Bit Of Happiness They'll Ever Have.

I Know I Probably Should Be Sad About My Mother's Cancer... But She Still Hasn't Seen The Last Kiss, You Know?

If God Wanted Women To Be Treated Equally To Men, He'd Have Given Them Penises.