I Spent All Night Feeding The Homeless

People Are Surprised That I'm Nice And It Helps Me Out A Little Bit; It's Easy To Be Nice When Everyone Thinks You're Going To Be A Jerk But If People Think You're A Nice Guy Then It's Tough Because It's What They Expect.

I Want To Get A Tattoo Of The Word Irony, Only Misspelled.

That's The Worst Way You Can Hear About Comedy Material: From A Third Person's Blog Story That They Wrote When They Were Upset.

I Loved Stephen Wright, And I Loved Mitch Hedberg, But They Seemed Like Geniuses You Could Never Emulate. You'd Just Be Ripping Them Off.

Sure, My Uncle Killed Himself Playing Russian Roulette. But I Choose To Remember Him As A Great Russian Roulette Player.