I Think Religion Is A Neurological Disorder.

If You, The Citizen, Deliberately Vote For Someone Who Won't Give You Healthcare Over Someone Who Will, You Need To Have Your Head Examined. Except You Can't Afford To Have Your Head Examined.

I'm Against Suing Tobacco Companies. I Think Abstinence Is A Perversion. I Think Bush's Lies Are Worse Than Clinton's. I Think Vegas Was Better When It Was Run By The Mob. I Think Men Are Only As Loyal As Their Options. I Think Stereotypes Are True And Rehab Is For Quitters.

I Always Wanted To Be A Comedian, Even When I Was A Little Kid. I Had A Funny Father Who Was In The News Business, By The Way. He Was A Radio News Guy. So The News Was Always In My House, And Funny Was Always In My House. It Was Sort Of Just Baked Into The Dna That I Would Do This For A Living, But I Can Remember Being Less Than 10 Years Old And Dreaming About Being A Comedian.

Faith Means The Purposeful Suspension Of Critical Thinking. It’s Nothing To Be Admired.

Barack Obama Is The President Of The United States, A Politician In America, A Very Religious Country, So I Understand Why He Has To Pretend To Be A Religious Person Himself. I Say Pretend Because, I Can Only Hope That Someone As Bright As He, Wouldn't Really Believe That People Can Walk On Water And Ride A Winged Horse And Rain Frogs And You Can Change Water Into Wine.