I Understand We're On Our Way To

New Rule: Gay Marriage Won't Lead To Dog Marriage. It Is Not A Slippery Slope To Rampant Inter-species Coupling. When Women Got The Right To Vote, It Didn't Lead To Hamsters Voting. No Court Has Extended The Equal Protection Clause To Salmon. And For The Record, All Marriages Are "same Sex" Marriages. You Get Married, And Every Night, It's The Same Sex.

New Rule: Stop Calling It Obamacare. It's Not Like Obama Will Be The Doctor For Your Next Prostate Exam. That's Just A Common Fantasy Of Republican Men.

I Love Trains. It's The Only Way To Travel Anymore Where It Doesn't Involve A Tsa Agent Slowly Tracing The Curve Of My Inner Thigh.

I Don't Want To Start A Movement That Mirrors Religion. I Don't Want To Create The Church Of The Non-believers Where I'm The Preacher And We're All Gathering Together And Reciting Things.

We Learned This Week That Mitt Romney Is Building A Car Elevator In His House. An Elevator For Your Cars. I Get The Feeling This Guy Wants To Be President So He Has A Place To Live While He's Remodeling His Beach House. ... I'm Not Worried That This Guy Is Out Of Touch. I'm Worried He's Batman. I Could See Mitt As Batman. He Hears About A Robbery, He Changes Into The Magic Underwear, He Rushes To The Crime Scene, And He Helps The Crooks Manage Their New Money.