I've Always Suffered From A Complete Inability

I'm From Downer's Grove, Illinois. We Had A Blackout There The Other Day, But Fortunately The Police Made Him Get Back Into His Car Before He Got Too Far.

I Was Walking Home One Night And A Guy Hammering On A Roof Called Me A Paranoid Little Weirdo. In Morse Code.

I Pray A Simple Prayer Every Morning. It's An Ecumenical Prayer. Whether You're Catholic Or Jewish Or Muslim Or Hindu, I Think It Speaks To The Heart Of Every Faith. It Goes “lord Please Break The Laws Of The Universe For My Convenience. Amen.”

Cell Phones Are Like A Dog's Nipples... You Don't Have To Shout Into Them!

Everyone, Everywhere, And All The Time, Used To Laugh At Me When I Was Growing Up. So, When I Was Around 18, I Thought, 'i'll Become A Comedian, And Then If Everyone Laughs At Me, I'll Be Famous.' So I Went On Stage One Night And, For The First Time In My Life, Everyone Stopped Laughing At Me.