I Was An Angst-y Journal Writing Kid.

On My Last-place Finish In The 50-yard Dash During Little League Tryouts “it Kinda Looked Like You Were Being Attacked By A Bunch Of Bees Or Something. Then When I Saw The Fat Kid With The Watch Who Was Timing You Start Laughing…. Well, I’ll Just Say It’s Never A Good Sign When A Fat Kid Laughs At You.

Eventually, Though, I Came To The Conclusion That I Was The Male Equivalent Of A Toyota Camry. You Know: No One Ever Says, "i Have To Have A Toyota Camry." But Most People Who Spend Some Time In A Camry Start To Like It. "it's Pretty Reliable," They Think. "it Doesn't Have A Lot Of Problems, And It's Not Bad To Look At. You Know What? I'd Probably Prefer A Nicer Car. But I Can Live With A Camry.

I'm Not A Guy Who Curses Very Much In My Personal Life. When I Curse It Sounds Like A Kid Trying To Be Cool. But I Think There Are Quite A Few People, My Father Being One Of Them, Who Use Curse Words Rather Eloquently.

You Go Ahead. I'd Rather Not Be Shot Out Of A Tube Into A Pool Filled With A Bunch Of Nine-year-olds' Urine.

I Feel Like If I'm Going To Give You A Book About My Dad, Then I Really Want To Give You My Dad, Because He Is Interesting And He Is Funny And If You're Buying A Book About Him, I Don't Want You To Have To Sit Through Stuff That's Not Him.