It's All About The Script. Reality Is

Arizona Just Became The 15th State To Approve Medical Marijuana. So I Give It Three Days Before They Stop Caring About The Whole Immigration Thing.

President Obama And Mitt Romney Both Gave Commencement Speeches Over The Last Few Days. Obama Was Like, 'you Can Be Whatever You Want To Be,' While Romney Was Like, 'i Can Be Whatever You Want Me To Be.'

During A Recent Event At A Restaurant Called Tommy's Country Ham House In South Carolina, Presidential Candidate Ben Carson Delivered A Speech Right After He Lost His Front Tooth. Which Still Left Him With More Teeth Than Everyone Combined At Tommy's Country Ham House.

Politicians Are Really Getting Desperate. In Fact, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid Sent Out A Final Fundraising Email To Democrats With The Subject Line, 'i'm Begging.' Because What Better Way To Show You're A Strong Leader Than Acting Like You're Drunk And Dialing Your Ex?

Honestly, I Just Want To Keep People Awake. Or At Least Give You One Joke To Go To Bed With.