It's So Much Easier To Be Cynical.

My Mom Ate Every Piece Of Butter In The Midwest, She Lived Till She Was 90. And My Dad, He Smoked, He Drank - We Finally Just Had To Kill Him.

I Could Be An Alternative Comic. I Could Be That Really Dark - I Was - I Was A Very Dark Comic To Begin With. I Could Be That Guy, And The Only Reason I Didn't Is That I Wanted To Make Money. I Wanted To Be Popular. I Wanted To Be Liked More Than I Wanted To Be Admired.

I Have A Very Warm Spot In My Heart For Vegas.

I'm A Kid From Minnesota. I Like Seeing Movie Stars! So I'm There At The Ivy, I've Got My Shrimp, Eddie Murphy Comes In With His Gang. I Said To The Waiter, As Any Good Midwestern Boy Would, "hey, Put Eddie's Check On My American Express Card, But Don't Tell Him That I Did It 'til I'm Gone." Next Day I Got A Call From Manager Who Said, "eddie's Doing A Movie, He Was Very Impressed That You Bought Him Lunch." So Remember: Sometimes Buying People Lunch Can Really Work Out Well For You.

At Thanksgiving, My Mom Always Makes Too Much Food, Especially One Item, Like 700 Or 800 Pounds Of Sweet Potatoes. She's Got To Push It During The Meal. "did You Get Some Sweet Potatoes? There's Sweet Potatoes. They're Hot. There's More In The Oven, Some More In The Garage. The Rest Are At The Johnson's."