Kids Are Like Buckets Of Disease That

People Come Back From Flights And Tell You A Story Like It's A Horror Story. That's How Bad They Make It Sound. They're Like, 'it Was The Worst Day Of My Life. We Didn't Board For 20 Minutes And They Made Us Sit There On The Runway For 40 Minutes.' Oh Really? What Happened Next? Did You Fly In The Air, Incredibly, Like A Bird? Did You Partake In The Miracle Of Human Flight You Non-contributing Zero?'

There's A Reason It's Called 'girls Gone Wild' And Not 'women Gone Wild'. When Girls Go Wild, They Show Their Tits. When Women Go Wild, They Kill Men And Drown Their Kids In A Tub.

I Was Driving In Manhattan. There's Traffic, Nobody's Moving... The Guy Behind Me Is Honking Just At Me. He Kept Yelling At Me. I Decided That I'm Gonna Argue With This Guy, But I'm Gonna Argue About Something Else. I'm Not Having His Argument; I'm Having Mine. So, He's Like, 'go!' And I Go, 'well Give Me Back My Jacket!' And He Stopped. I Was Like, 'yeah, You Got My Jacket! Give It Back! I Said You Could Borrow It, Not Have It! You're Stretching It Out, You Fat Pig! Give It Back, Now!' He Got Back In His Car, And He Locked His Doors.

I Was Raised By A Hard-working Single Mother, So My First Role Model Was A Woman. My Only Caretaker Was A Woman, And I Have Three Sisters, So My Community Was Girls. I Have Two Girls, And My Dog Is A Girl. My Dead Dog Was A Girl. I Don't Know. I Guess I've Always Keyed In On That Perspective.

When My Kids Were Younger, I Used To Avoid Them. I Used To Sit On The Toilet 'til My Legs Fell Asleep. You Want To Know Why Your Father Spends So Long In The Toilet? Because He's Not Sure He Wants To Be A Father.