Misery Is Wasted On The Miserable.

Being Popular With An Audience Is A Very Rickety Ladder To Be On.

I Find That When People Laugh Really Hard, It's Usually Because They're Connecting And Identifying In A Way That They Hadn't Considered. That's My Payoff.

One Time I Was At A Swimming Pool With My Kids, A Public Pool. I Had My Daughter, My Six Year Old, On My Arm Like This. She Was Like Clamped On, And She's Kicking. ... And Then She Got Off And Another Random Child Just Clamped On. It's Like A Rat. "get Off Of Me." "but I Love You." "i Don't Know You, Kid."

[about Being A Father] I Don't Really Remember What It Was Like Before. Whatever I Had Going On, It Was Bullshit. It Wasn't Important. It's Kind Of A Nice Thing About Being A Dad. My Identity Is Really About Them Now, And What I Can Do For Them, So It Sort Of Takes The Pressure Off Of Your Own Life. What Am I Going To Do, Who Am I? Who Cares, You've Got To Get Your Kids To School. So I Like It That Way.

I Ate Too Much And Masturbated Too Recently, You Know? It's Bad To Like Jerk Off And Run Out The Door, 'cause You Run Into Somebody. "oh, She Knows..." You Got To Take Some Time Alone To Process The Shame.