My Wife And I Have Olympic Sex.

People Ask If I Can Get It Up In The Morning. I Tell Them Are You Kidding I'm Envious Of A Stiff Wind.

I Recently Had Double-bypass Surgery. As They Wheel You In, The Doctor Always Gives You A Last Look. You Know That Look. That Look Of Confidence To Make You Feel Good. I Always Say To Every Doctor, If I Don't Make It, I'll Never Know It.

My Kids Scotch Tape Worms To The Sidewalk And Watch The Birds Get Hernias.

[on 8/24/04, Before Entering A Los Angeles Hospital For Heart Valve Replacement Surgery] If Things Go Right, I'll Be There About A Week, And If Things Don't Go Right, I'll Be There About An Hour And A Half.

I'm Tellin' Ya I Get No Respect. When I Was In Switzerland, I Got An Obscene Yodel.