No One Is Perfect, Except For Penélope

Start Thinking Positively. You Will Notice A Difference. Instead Of 'i Think I'm A Loser,' Try 'i Definitely Am A Loser.' Stop Being Wishy-washy About Things! How Much More Of A Loser Can You Be If You Don't Even Know You Are One? Either You Are A Loser Or You Are Not. Which Is It, Stupid?

The Reason I Do What I Do Is Because I Was Influenced By Steve Martin, By Woody Allen, By Bob Newhart, By Carol Burnett, By Lucille Ball.

No Matter How Popular You Are As A Stand-up - You Can Go Out And Fill A 10,000-seat Arena And Be Smart And Funny - It's Delicate To Host An Awards Show And Know Where Your Place Is And Know That It's Not About You, That It's About The People Who Are Nominated, And Respect That, But At The Same Time Have Your Moment To Show Them Who You Are.

My Cat, Ethel, Is An Indoor Cat But Somehow She's Sneakin' Out At Night. 'cause The Other Morning I Found A Stamp On Her Paw... I Wouldn't Have Noticed Myself, But I Just Bought This New Black Light And She Passed Right Under It And I Said, 'hey, What's That On You Paw?

Do You Feel Insecure Because You Keep Getting The Nagging Feeling That You're Not That Smart? Well, I've Got Good News For You, My Friend. You Have No Need To Be Insecure. That Nagging Feeling Is Absolutely Right On Target. You Are Not That Smart. But I Have More Good News For You. You Are Also Not Alone.