On This Show, Your Voice Will Be

Remember, You Cannot Be Both Young And Wise. Young People Who Pretend To Be Wise To The Ways Of The World Are Mostly Just Cynics.

After Obsessively Googling Symptoms For Four Hours, I Discovered 'obsessively Googling Symptoms' Is A Symptom Of Hypochondria.

I Can't Be Gay! I'm A Happily Married Conservative, Just Like Ted Haggard And Larry Craig.

Wikipedia Is The First Place I Go When I'm Looking For Knowledge... Or When I Want To Create Some.

Every Night On My Show, The Colbert Report, I Speak Straight From The Gut, Okay? I Give People The Truth, Unfiltered By Rational Argument. I Call It "the No Fact Zone.