Out Loud I Said I Had Two

When The Music Stopped, It Could Have Been Forever Since We'd Begun. My Grandfather Took A Step Back, And The Light Grew Yellow At His Back. 'i'm Going,' He Said. 'where?' I Asked. 'don't Worry, Sweetheart. You're So Close.' He Turned And Walked Away, Disappearing Rapidly Into Spots And Dust. Infinity.

I Couldn't Help But Think, As I Watched Him, Of The Barrels Of Toxic Fluids That Had Accrued Behind Hal's Bike Shop Where The Scrub Lining The Railroad Tracks Had Offered Local Companies Enough Cover To Dump A Stray Contaner Or Two. Everything Had Been Sealed Up, But Things Were Beginning To Leak Out. I Had Come To Both Pity And Respect Len In The Years Since My Mother Left. He Followed The Physical To Try To Understand Things That Were Impossible To Comphrehend. In That, I Could See, He Was Like Me.

I Tried To Take Solace In Holiday, Our Dog. I Missed Him In A Way I Hadn't Yet Let Myself Miss My Mother And Father, My Sister And Brother. That Way Of Missing Would Mean That I Had Accepted That I Would Never Be With Them Again; It Might Sound Silly But I Didn't Believe It, Would Not Believe It.

To Transform Experience And Thought Into Language And Narrative - That Is Beautiful Even If That Beauty Is In Brokenness.

My Grandmother Stepped Back Into The Kitchen To Get Their Drinks. I Had Come To Love Her More After Death Than I Ever Had On Earth. I Wish I Could Say That In That Moment In The Kitchen She Decided To Quit Drinking, But I Now Saw That Drinking Was A Part Of What Made Her Who She Was. If The Worst Of What She Left On Earth Was A Legacy Of Inebriated Support, It Was A Good Legacy In My Book. ~susie's Grandmother, Lynn Pgs 315-316