Quiet Down, We Don't Want To Wake

Bill Clinton Has A Brand New Book Coming Out In A Few Months And The Democrats Are Worried That The Clinton Book Might Upstage The Kerry Campaign. I'm Thinking, Hell, Day-old Meat Loaf Could Upstage That Campaign.

Two Things You Need To Know About Taxes. They've Extended The Deadline To April 18, And When You Write Your Check, Just Make It Out To China.

I Don't Like Jokes About Sex Or Bodily Functions Or Drug Use Or The Difference Between New York And L.a. I Never Do Any Of That.

Pepsi Has A New Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, We Don't Have An Ebola Vaccine, But We Do Have The Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.

My Good Friend Paul Shaffer And I Are Going To Continue In Show Business. Next Month Paul And I Will Debut Our New Act At Caesar's Palace With Our White Tigers.