Sometimes I Wish I Had A Terrible

President Obama Spent Election Day Away From Any Press Coverage, Attending Closed-door Meetings Inside The White House. But On The Bright Side, It Is Nice To See Some Doors Actually Closed At The White House. It's A Whole New Secret Service Security Thing.

I Feel Like I'm Being Too Zen. I'm Inhaling Too Much Patchouli And Incense. It's Embarrassing.

This Week, A 95-year-old Woman Married A 98-year-old Man To Become The World's Oldest Newlyweds. They're Registered At Bed, Sponge Bath And Beyond.

I Can Watch An Episode Of Jerry Seinfeld, And By The End, I'm Just Walking Around My House, You Know, Talking Like Jerry Seinfeld. 'what Is That? What Are You Doing? Who Is It? What's Going' - You Know, I Just Had That Thing, When I Grew Up, I'd Just Start Talking Like People. You Know, I Always Had That.

The Acting Director Of The Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, Said They May Make The Fence Around The White House Taller Because Of The Recent Security Failures. When Asked If He Had Any Other Ideas, He Said, 'uh, Make The Sidewalk Lower?'