Success Is The Enemy Of Comedy.

Everything Is In How You Are Going To Handle It. As A Lifelong Nightclub Comic, I'm Ready To Handle Whatever I Have To Handle.

Actually, The Only Memory I Have Of Being A Cub Scout Was Trying To Get My Hat Back. That Was All I Did. Run Back And Forth At My Bus Stop Going "quit It."

Cremation Has Become The Most Popular Form Of Burial In The United States... People Used To Want A Big, Thick Granite Stone, Their Names Carved Into With A Chisel. I Was Here Dammit! Cremation Is Like You're Trying To Cover Up A Crime. Burn The Body. Scatter The Ashes Around. As Far As Anyone's Concerned This Whole Thing Never Happened.

I Have A Problem With The Strip That Runs Along The Bottom Of The News Programs. Don't These Idiots Who Run The News Programs Know We Don't Want To Read? That's Why We're Watching Tv.

So The First Time You Hear The Concept Of Halloween When You're A Kid Your Brain Can't Even Process The Information. You're Like: "what Is This? What Did You Say?" "what Did You Say About Giving Out Candy? Who's Giving Out Candy?" "everyone That We Know Is Just Giving Out Candy!"