Take A Nap In A Fireplace And

I Don't Need A Baby Growing Inside Me For Nine Months. If I'm Going To Feel Nauseous And Achy When I Wake Up, I Want To Achieve That State The Old-fashioned Way: Getting Good And Drunk The Night Before.

I Get To Do Stand-up Every Single Day. I Love That Live Energy Exchange Between The Audience And Myself, And To Get To Say The Things I Want To Say And Comment On.

When You Take Risks You Learn That There Will Be Times When You Succeed And There Will Be Times When You Fail, And Both Are Equally Important. It's Hard To Understand Failure When You're Going Through It, But In The Grand Scheme Of Things It's Good To Fall Down - Not Because You're Drunk And Not Near Stairs.

We Stock Up On Popcorn And Candy Like We're Crossing The Sierras, Don't We? I'll Have A Couple Of Soft Pretzels, A Hot Dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is That The Largest Popcorn You've Got There, That Bucket? You Don't Have A Barrel Or Anything Like That? Do You Have A Donkey Or A Pack Mule Or Anything? - Oh, And A Diet Coke.

Accept Who You Are. Unless You're A Serial Killer.