The Scots Are A Very Tough People.

When I Was A Kid, My Nickname Was Mr. Baseball. Because Of The Stitches.

My Mother Was Like A Sister To Me, Only We Didn't Have Sex Quite So Often.

I Go To Pick Up A Girl In A Bar. I Say Will You Go Home With Me? She Says I Don't Know, Do You Have Cable? I Say No, But The Rope Should Work Just Fine.

You Should Get Married. When I Was Younger, I Was Into The Fame And Fortune, And Now I Realize That A Loving Wife And Happy Children - That's Life's Greatest Consolation Prize.

My Dad Always Said, If Someone Hands You A Lemon, Make Lemonade. Plus That Also Works Wonderfully As A Metaphor.