The Scots Are A Very Tough People.

I've Been At Stand-up 26 Years Now: After A While, You Get As Jaded As The Proverbial Gynecologist Who No Longer Enjoys Drugging And Violating His Patients.

I Had A Very Close Relationship With Another Kid When I Was Growing Up. I Was His Imaginary Friend.

I Used To Be Scared Of Pretty Girls, Until One Confessed They're Just As Scared Of Me.

Probably The Worst Time In A Person's Life Is When They Have To Kill A Family Member Because They Are The Devil. But Otherwise It's Been A Pretty Good Day.

My Sister Married A German. He Complained He Couldn't Get A Good Bagel Back Home. I Said: 'well, Whose Fault Is That?'