This Morning My Dad Called Me Up

Mitt Romney Announced He Will Fight Former Heavyweight Champion Evander Holyfield In A Charity Boxing Match. You Can Tell That Romney Is Serious About It. Today, His Butler Gave Him A Piggyback Ride Up The Steps Of The Philadelphia Art Museum.

Joe Biden Was Spotted With A Bruise On His Face That Was Apparently Caused By His Dog. I Guess They Collided When They Both Went After The Same Tennis Ball.

I'm On So Late I'm Definitely The Last Seconds Of Anyone's Attention. So I Just Want To Give Them Something Dumb To Laugh At, So They Go, 'that's Funny,' Then Fall Asleep.

I Wanted To Be The Next Dana Carvey. This Was My Ultimate Goal. If I Ever Cut Into A Birthday Cake And Made A Wish, I Would Wish To Be On 'saturday Night Live.' If I Threw A Coin Into A Fountain, I Would Wish To Be On 'saturday Night Live.' If I Saw A Shooting Star, I Would Wish To Be On 'saturday Night Live.'

Yesterday, The Supreme Court Spent Over An Hour Listening To Arguments On Whether Obamacare Is Unconstitutional. Yeah, Listening To Arguments About Obamacare For An Hour, Or As Most People Call That, 'thanksgiving Dinner.'