What If I Couldn't Read? I Wouldn't

I Have Never Taken The High Road, But I Tell Other People To 'cause Then There's More Room For Me On The Low Road.

It's The Hardest Thing To Come Up With An Hour Of Material That Can Consistently Keep People Laughing.

I Always Hate Telling My Jokes In Print 'cause I Always Feel Like It Reads So Not Funny And People Read It And They Think, 'oh, So That's What That Guy Does In His Stand-up? That's Terrible.'

Whats The Worst That Could Happen?! The Worst That Could Happen Is He Could Cut Off Your Legs And Use Them To Make Stilts That Look Like Legs!

The Four Sweetest Words In The English Language — 'you Wore Me Down.'