When I'm On Stage, That's Me. It's

If You See Me Doing A New Stand-up Special, It Probably Means I've Been Out Of Work For A While.

If You're Over 52 Years Old And You're On Facebook, Do Us All A Favor And Log Off Now.

You Can't Teach Somebody How To Be Funny. You're Either Funny, Or You Ain't.

Did You Ever Notice They Never Take Any Fat Hostages? You Never See A Guy Coming Out Of Lebanon Going: "i Was Held Hostage For Seven Months And I Lost 175 Pounds, I Feel Good And I Look Good And I Learned Self-discipline. That's The Important Thing."

Coffee Doesn't Need A Menu, It Needs A Cup. That's All It Needs! Maybe A Saucer Underneath The Cup — That's It.