When I Play Poker, I Don't Like

I Wanted To Do A Show Based On What My Life Would Be Like If I Had Never Become A Comedian.

I Don't Care If My Jokes Are Appropriate For A Kid.

As Far As Exercising Goes... Watch For My Next Book, How I Died While Jogging.

The Best Thing About Las Vegas Is That No One Pretends To Be Responsible For Your Behavior Like They Do In The Rest Of The Country. There's No Meddling Self-righteous Liberals Or Right-wing Christian Demagogues Telling You That You Can't Do Something Fun With Your Own Time And Money. If You Can Afford It, It's Yours.

The Hardest Diet I Was Ever On Was The One When I Was Fat. You Can Only Wear Fat Clothes, You Don't Feel Good, Your Sex Life Gets Damaged, You Don't Have Energy For Anything. It's Horrible.