When I Wake Up On A Monday

In 1987, I Was In Edinburgh Doing My First One-man Show. I Took Part In A Kickabout With Some Fellow Comedians And Tripped Over My Trousers And Heard This Cracking Sound In My Leg. A Couple Of Days Later I Went Into A Coma And Was Diagnosed With A Pulmonary Embolism.

All Disc Jockeys Are Without Talent. Noel Edmonds - I Can't Stand Noel Edmonds.

If You Stay In A House And You Go To The Bathroom And There Is No Toilet Paper, You Can Always Slide Down The Banisters. Don't Tell Me You Haven't Done It.

I Really Don't Take Any Interest At All In Contemporary Comedy.

My School Days Were The Happiest Days Of My Life; Which Should Give You Some Indication Of The Misery I've Endured Over The Past Twenty-five Years.