When I Was A Kid I Got

Everyone Says That Looks Don't Matter, Age Doesn't Matter, Money Doesn't Matter. But I Never Met A Girl Yet Who Has Fallen In Love With An Old Ugly Man Who's Broke.

If You Could Learn To Make Love, I Could Fire The Chauffer.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. The Time I Was Kidnapped, And The Kidnappers Sent My Parents A Note They Said, "we Want Five Thousand Dollars Or You'll See Your Kid Again."

I Asked My Wife If She Would Put Out The Garbage. She Said Why Should I You Never Put Out For Me.

When I Got Back Into Show Business In 1961, I Felt - For Obvious Reasons - That Nothing In My Life Went Right, And I Realized That Millions Of People Felt The Same Way. So When I First Came Back My Catch Phrase Was "nothing Goes Right." Early On, That Was My Setup For A Lot Of Jokes.